Kurei Vignettes
by xabie
Summary: Short shots about Kurei. Don't be drinking any liquids while you read this. Just a friendly warning!
1. Chapter 1

**He's Surrounded by Morons!**

_Dark shadows creep up the roughly hewn walls. Water drips from unknown places. Footsteps echo. The flickering torches spread their light only so well. Everything is in half shadow. Every quiet breath, every whisper echoes, spreading through the labyrinthian maze of the underground cavern_.

Kurei snapped his fingers. Raiha appeared.

"How long have we been in hiding, Raiha?"

Raiha glanced at his watch nervously. "Uh. About 2 minutes, your lordship."

Kurei roared and knocked over his glass of cranberry juice. The plastic cup bounced on the floor. "That's 2 minutes too long! Raiha, get me Neon. And tell her that she prepare herself for the usual. I'm going to use her hard and rough. Rougher than the usual. Actually, tell her to get here right now!"

Raiha scurried out of the cavernous Uruha hideout, but not before picking up Kurei's prized Sesame Street plastic mug he had won in a coloring competition the previous year.

He shook his head. He pitied Neon. She would be in for a lot of pain. Kurei was throwing another one of his uncontrollable tantrums.

--

Neon knelt in front of Kurei. Her hands trembling, she put gripped his knees and closed her eyes.

Kurei roared. "READ IT TO ME AGAIN!"

Neon's face turned ashen. "But Kurei-sama, I've already read it to you 42 times. My throat… is very sore. Please, may I have something to drink?"

"NEVER. Not until you tell me how goldilocks got away from the three bears! I want to know how that blasted girl did it!"

Neon bowed her head.

Kurei pushed her away from him; he stood up in a dramatic swish of red cloak. "Forget it. You're so useless, Neon. Where's Raiha? Tell him to get here right away. I have a plan!"

Neon crawled slowly away. Her lips were chapped; her tongue was dry; she couldn't bear to think of bears ever again.

--

Raiha bowed low. "Yes, Kurei-sama? Neon-san told me you had a great plan."

Kurei leant back into his throne and rubbed his hands together. "Yees. I have a foolproof plan. A flash of inspiration hit me when that useless piece of trash was trying to entertain me."

Raiha bowed even lower. "Please, your lordship, share you pearls of wisdom."

Kurei tapped Raiha on the shoulder. "You may stand up straight now." Raiha straightened.

"Here's my plan. We lure that healer girl into a house with sleeping bears. She eats all the porridge that we have placed there to tempt her—"

"Poisoned porridge?"

"No. Normal porridge. The first bowl is too hot for her. The second bowl is too cold. Yes, then we prepare the most perfect porridge. Yes. The last one is Just Right. And then she eats it—"

"Is it poisoned?"

"No, you imbecile! It's JUST RIGHT. You illiterate heathen, haven't you ever read the classics? Jeez. I'm surrounded by savages."

"So sorry your lordship. Please continue."

"Yes. Well, she falls asleep after breaking a number of chairs and perhaps beds. Then we capture her!"

Raiha is silent. "And you really don't think we need any poison?" he asks after a beat.

"NO POISON. YOU IMBECILE. GET OUT OF HERE. GET ME NEON. She's in charge of this mission. You obviously can't handle the concept!"

--

And that was how Yanagi found three deliveries of porridge outside her house. One of them was too hot. The other too cold. The last was Just Right.

--

**Author's note:** I had so much fun writing this! Enjoy!

And please drop by my cooking blog if you have the time or inclination; the link is on my profile!


	2. The Emperor

The Emperor

Raiha and Neon stood nervously outside Kurei's large private chamber. Fifteen minutes ago, they had escorted an old man (decrepit beyond recognition) to Kurei's room—he had claimed to have created a new madougo. According to him, it was the most powerful madougo that currently existed. Combining the most powerful and unique combinations that existed in all of madougo land, this madougo (name as yet unknown) would literally blow Kurei's mind.

Naturally, Kurei wanted it.

So that was how Raiha and Neon found themselves huddled outside Kurei's room, ears pressed to the door, trying their hardest to eavesdrop. There had been a lot of commotion at first—nothing uncommon with Kurei who claimed the act of throwing something was part of his daily exercise regime—but now: silence. Raiha and Neon were getting a little worried. Would they have to bury yet another dead body?

"Do you think there's enough space in the backyard for another grave?" Raiha whispered to Neon.

Neon shot him a disgusted look. "How would I know? I've been dumping all the bodies in the dumpster."

"What? But that's unsanitary—plus the city sanitation department could find out and fine us. Again!"

"Shhhh. I hear something." Neon waved Raiha's nagging away.

The door creaked open.

There the old man stood, hunched over, shaking his head. "I can't believe he took it from me. It was the result of months of hard work and research. And now I won't even have anything to show for it. I even had a couple of serious investors lined up..." With an angry grumble, the old man pushed past the two fighters.

From the dark recesses of the chamber, a deep voice called out. "Neon. Raiha. Enter!" Kurei's voice trembled with happiness.

"Come in, my dearest comrades. Today we celebrate, for it is a day that I come into possession of the one thing that will get my hands on the healer girl!"

Neon and Raiha tentatively entered. Their eyes adjusted to the dark and what they saw literally blew their minds.

A naked Kurei seated on his chair.

"Uhm... Kurei-sama... if I a may ask a question, sire," Raiha stammered.

"PERMISSION DENIED! I am in the middle of demonstrating my newfound powers and you DARE disrupt me with your stupid questions? Unless it's about how I will use my new invisibility cloak to infiltrate that STUPID Recca's lair and STEAL the HEALER GIRL and then TEAR TO BITS, I will not allow any questions!" Kurei roared and flapped his non-existent cloak in a dramatic wave.

Raiha fell silent.

Neon attempted to probe Kurei's thinking. "Sire, how do you plan to... steal the healer girl? It is currently winter and without any clothes—you could have hypothermia."

"STUPID FOOL! Are you BLIND? Do you not see that I am wearing an INVISIBILITY CLOAK?" Kurei roared again. And flapped his non-existent cloak.

"Uhm... if it's invisible, how do we see it?" Raiha braced himself for another round of yelling.

Kurei fell silent. He stroked his chin. "That's true."

Raiha tried again. "Are you certain that it's an invisibility cloak?"

Kurei's eyes flashed. "OF COURSE I'm CERTAIN! The reason you can't see it is because it's invisible—DUH. AND DO YOU THINK I WOULD BE so STUPID?"

"Of course not, Kurei-sama," Raiha and Neon grovelled pathetically. "How could we ever think that? Without you, we would be nothing."

"Excellent reasoning. Now, get me a map to the Healer girl's house. I'm leaving right now! I won't need any weapons or bodyguards," here Kurei paused, casting a disdainful eye on his minions. "Can you guess why, you imbeciles?"

Raiha and Neon shook their heads mutely.

"Because I'll be INVISIBLE. That's why. Now get out of my room, I have to put on my scary-man makeup."

As Raiha and Neon exited the room, they heard the strains of Britney Spear's "Hit Me Baby One More Time". They exchanged looks. This was not going to go well.

–

"Hey look at this!"

The Hokage gathered around Fuuko who had just picked up a copy of the Tokyo Daily.

"That's Kurei!"

"And he's naked!"

"And getting arrested!"

"The headlines... Crazed man arrested for public indecency..."

"Who knew that Kurei was into that kind of stuff huh?"

–

THE END.


End file.
